Confidence Isn't Re-built In a Day

I have yet another saddle on trial right now(the 9th jumping saddle, but who's counting).  I actually think it may be a keeper, but I want at least one more ride before making a decision.

Since I had a saddle to ride in I actually got to have another jumping lesson.  I'd had a rough day at work so I headed to the barn early so I could set fences by myself.  It's amazing how 30 minutes of manual labour and tossing poles around can work off a shitty mood.  My coach had me set up fences coming out of the corner on the diagonal with one fence at X.  Accuracy and steering were the name of the game.

My epic MS Paint skills at work

Turns out, Dee thinks she's in charge of the steering, which caused us some grief when jumping towards the wall.  It took a few tries but we managed to pull it together.  After we were all successful at jumping a single fence into the wall and doing a half ten-meter circle to jump the center jump we moved onto angles.  We had to jump the pink into the wall, the green to the purple to the brown.  The plan was to jump the green and brown straight and take the purple on an angle.  Our first go at it was a bit of a train wreck.  We jumped the pink at an angle (basically like a straight quarter line), had a decent green and completely missed the purple.  Take 2 was much better.  We got our shit together for the first jump and the rest rode quite nice.

We then moved on to adding the other diagonal (which seemed to ride much nicer).  When that went well we moved on to doing shallow loops, green to purple to blue and then to the other side.  This was actually easier than I anticipated and I did both sides with minimal trouble.

Proof I do ride my horse

We went to turn it around, doing the brown to the purple to the pink, and this is where it all fell apart.  I came into the brown with almost no pace, which (justifiably) caused a refusal.  We represented but at this point I was TERRIFIED and just kinda sat there like a lump.  It was an ugly jump and then I pulled her out of the line because there was no way in my state of mind I was capable of even getting over any more fences.  By this time I had fallen into a full on neurotic meltdown.  These jumps are not scary or big but some switch flipped and I was crying and shaking and could hardly breathe.  I was barely able to walk her in a circle so my coach had me sit off to the side and take a few minutes.  Once I got myself under control I had her put one fence down to a cross rail and then jumped some single fences (including the brown one) and called it a day.  I got off and gave my pony a big hug.  

My confidence was shattered by the red mare. I had numerous falls caused by run-outs, starting with the one that destroyed my ankle (and balance).  I kept at it for over a year thinking we could ride through it and make it happen.  All we did was succeed in making me terrified.  

Since I've bought Dee it's gotten so much better.  Oxers only cause me minimal grief, we've schooled 3'3" and everything that scares me on cross country.  Apparently my past is going to rear it's ugly head every once in awhile though. I'm grateful that I have the best pony who takes care of me and did not turf me last night.  I just wish I didn't have this anxiety that likes to show up unannounced. I'm hoping that as time gets on I can trust in myself, and my horse because last night was very frustrating and embarrassing.

Where The Red Mare and I Part Ways, In More Than One Way

So my last post about the mare saw me falling off when she reared and went down.  After that the mare and I hauled down to Alborak to clinic with Sandra Donnelly.  I hoped that all would go well but I also really hoped that the mare would show her obstinate side so that I could get some help.

Well horses being horses, the mare was a complete rockstar.  The only run-out we had was more pilot error than anything.  On the morning of the second day I also showed the mare in an Extreme Cowboy event, mostly because my mom was doing it and the mare's done it before so why not.  She warmed up well and we were the first ride of the day.  When I went in and asked her to pick up a canter she started bucking.  And I mean bucking, not just hopping around.  My rein snapped and I bailed off.  Turns out, in Extreme Cowboy, you have 60 seconds to catch and remount if you want to continue.  I got back on the mare and managed to complete the course without an issue.  I've never seen her buck before or since so I'm not sure what happened but I quickly loaded up and was off to have a great second day to my clinic.

The mare got a mini vacation at my moms horse before we did the Cochrane HT.  We had a great weekend.  We had two XC refusals but we jumped the ditch and finished on a number!  Things were really looking up.

It's the last fence.  Can you tell I was pleased with her?

The next weekend was the Sidesaddle Clinic at the BarU (which is a whole post on it's own).  The mare was a delight the whole weekend, even jumping aside!

So much fun!!!

And then there was Thompson Country HT.  What a weekend.  I thought dressage on Friday went pretty well but I felt I was tense and our corners definitely lacked polish.  Turns out the judge disagreed.  We were sitting in 1st out of a very competitive division of 30+!!!!

On Saturday we were having a good warm up for XC but it was excessively hot and they were running behind so we just chilled out for a bit.  When we were only a few riders out my coach had me school the vertical and then come to the oxer.  The vertical rode perfectly but the mare stalled out in front of the oxer and then tried to pop over it but just crashed through it.  I popped off, mostly landing on my feet.  After getting cleared by the paramedic I got back on, schooled the vertical a few times and re-approached the oxer.  The mare slid to a stop and spun out left (witness' said it was a very dirty stop) and, you guessed it, I came off again. I landed on my feet again though.  So the ground jury eliminated me after getting cleared by the paramedic.  I didn't even know you could be eliminated in warmup :(


To say I was disappointing would be an understatement.  I had reached the end of my rope.  Between the rearing, the bucking and the stopping I was getting scared and discouraged.  I'm a good rider but I also have a physical limitation with my weak ankle that also compromises my balance.  After the rearing incident I had contacted a trainer friend of mine to inquire about putting some training on the mare.  We had decided that she would head down in August since the trainer would be gone for 10 days to go to Rebecca Farm.  She was at the event and offered to take the mare a few weeks early as she had room on her trailer.  So I loaded the mare into her trailer and wished her luck.

When she is good, she is so good!

Beaumont HT - Sunday

Since I didn't ride until later in the day on Sunday I got to sleep in again!  I got up and went and walked my x-country course once more and watched the prelim riders go before going to pick up the mare.  It was nice and relaxed morning.  The mare is completely content to stand at the trailer by herself all day.  I have to say that it is really nice!

I love my truck.  And thanks to Isabel for letting me use her trailer

We got prepped and hopped up on to warm up.  We did a ton of transitions in our flat warm up in an effort to remind her that I pick the speed.  Our over fences warm up had a few bobbles.  We had a couple of run-outs at the oxer and she tried to run-out when we took the vertical at an angle but I was able to channel her over it, at the angle I asked for.

We sure look the part...

In the start box I was very nervous again but at least this time I didn't feel like I was going to vomit.  We had planned to trot the first fence to start on a good note and it turned out to be the right choice.  She was a little wiggly but I growled, spanked her and she decided jumping was a good idea.  A short "S" shaped canter to the next fence (which was the one that saw me fall off at the derby) and she popped over no problem.  We had a fairly long canter before we doubled back to Fence 3.  This was the fence with the Pre-Training fence in the line.  The plan was to keep as close to the fence to get a straight line.  This backfired slightly.  She spooked hard at the fence and I twisted my bad ankle.  We then had a run-out at the jump.  I represented and had yet another run-out.  This was the first time she didn't jump on the represent.  I got her over it on the third time and the official photographer got a fabulous shot of us over it.

I trotted into Fence 4 to get her mind back in the game and she responded well.  We then cantered up and over the little hill to the coop at 5 and she flowed right over it.  We cantered into the water and to the Pheasant Feeder at 6.  We picked up yet another run-out :(  No problem on the second time and the train that was next rode beautifully.   Fence 9 was the headstones and unfortunately we picked up our 4th run-out, effectively eliminating us.  I jumped her over it and started the long walk to the vet.

I was made to dismount by Control (via jump judge) and walk on foot.  Unfortunately my ankle was incredibly bad and I could hardly hobble.  It took me 10 minutes to get to the vet.  Thankfully Isabel met me there and walked the mare back and I was able to hitch a ride on a quad to my rig.

Isabel then hooked up her truck to the trailer and took the mare home so that I could go home and ice my ankle.  Turns out I sprained it.  It was bruising by the time I got home.  I guess it's time to look into a brace that will actually fit in my tall boot.

It was a very disappointing end to the weekend but I'm choosing to focus on a fabulous round on Saturday.  We are heading back out next Wednesday to school and then I'm off to Cochrane for a clinic with Sandra Donnelly.  We will get this figured out.

Photo by A Sharper Image

Derby Time!

Sunday was the first cross country show of the year.  Isabel was awesome enough to come out and pick me and the mare up and we were off!  I had entered Entry, knowing we could have some issues but height isn't really our problem, steering and confidence are. So for better or worse we were giving 2'6" cross country  go.

Our course was 7 stadium fences and 7 cross country for a total of 1805m and an optimum time of 5:09.  The cross country fences were very straight forward with the most difficult being an up bank, 2 strides to a down bank.  The up wasn't flagged so there was the option to go up the ramp and jump down the bank.  (This becomes important later)

Stadium course (you know you're jealous of my awesome Paint skills)

Cross-country course

As we were tacking up, the skies unleashed a torrential downpour.  Rivers of water running of my saddle kind of downpour.  Turns out the mare hates rain.  She was fidgety, obnoxious and downright rude about me mounting up.  I was really glad I had corks since our stadium portion was on grass and then we went straight out into cross country.

Thankfully the rain was short lived.  By the time I made it to the warm up area the rain had mostly petered out.  The mare warmed up beautifully, even jumping the verticals at steep angles (inviting a run-out) without missing a beat.

Crappy cell phone photo at an interesting time...

When we went into start our twisty-turny stadium I was feeling nervous but very determined.  Our first fence was an oxer and I was not going to start our day with a run-out.  I rode her aggressively to the fence and she took it like a pro.  The rest of the course was not pretty as she felt very sticky and had a few deer moments but we went clear and were headed out to the cross country.  We had a nice gallop to the first fence and a few strides out I felt her back off.  I grabbed my reins in one hand and used my whip.  Unfortunately it didn't help :( She went left, and I went right.  The fall was minor and I could have landed on my feet if I had tried but since I have no desire to repeat my ankle destruction I tucked my knees in and landed on my hip.  The reins had come over her head and I've never been quite so glad I let her graze with the lead rope dragging.  She'd step on them, stop, back up and continue on.  I caught up and started my walk of shame.




Fortunately we had a second round to redeem ourselves.  The stadium felt great, until we got to fence 7 ad had a run-out.  Truthfully, I'm not sure why we had the run-out but it sure galvanized me into riding her like she was going to die if she went left.  We got over the first cross country fence, it wasn't pretty but I stayed on and we went.  The next fence rode lovely and we were off to the banks.  20 feet from the banks she slammed on the banks and reared.  These are the same banks we schooled a week ago without an issue.  Rather than pick the fight with her I chose to do the ramp and jump down.  We had another attempted run-out at the next fence which resulted in a stop.  I backed her up a few steps and we jumped it no problem on the second try.  Next was a big log pile that caused her to back off but I got aggressive and growled and we sailed on over. Our next fence was a small A-frame right before the water and I just plain ran out of steam.  When she balked I had no legs to back up my desire to go forward so we picked up a stop on the smallest fence out there.  We backed up again and jumped it with one trot stride.  She went through the water like a champ though!  The last fence was also the biggest, and one we hadn't jumped before so I was a little nervous and just rode with all I had left.  She didn't even look at it.  It was the nicest jump of the day and was a good place to call it a day.

Last Jump, apparently we jumped it at an angle

While it was not the day I wanted it still had moments that stand out (like our course had 4 oxers and not one was an issue!).  I have to say it is very disheartening to continue to have the same issue and at tiny little fences.  I'm feeling discouraged and at the end of my rope.  I can't keep falling off because I will eventually get seriously injured and I just can't afford that.  I promised myself and the mare that I would give it a solid year for us to get our shit together but there are people (best friend and coach included) that think it is time to find her a new home.  I'm not there yet, and I don't want easy (safe is a whole different story).  I'm not going to learn anything if I continue to ride the easy horses.  So I'm going to pick myself up and head to the Alhambra derby this weekend for another go at this cross country thing.

I'm not sure why but I love this photo

Mangled Ankle Back Story

It's likely to come up many times so I figure some back story is necessary.

In January 2013 I was feeling frustrated with my horse and my mom had mirror feelings about hers.  So we decided to swap horses for a few months in hopes that a change of pace would help us both out.  So Riddick went to live at a barn near her (she lives 2.5 hrs away) and the mare and I got our first taste of each other.  I'd only had her for a few weeks but I was already pretty sure I was game for keeping her and selling Riddick, things were going so well.  We'd had a a couple of jumping lessons that went quite well, despite her being quite green over fences.

January 23 was a normal lesson day.  I didn't want to ride but I drug myself out to the barn.  Our flat work started out lovely and the first few jumps went well.  We presented to a plank vertical and my world came crashing down.  I didn't give the mare the ride she needed and she ducked out to the left.  I came off over her right shoulder.  I landed on the side of my right foot.  As I lay in the dirt my coach thought I should get up and walk it off.   I told her I was winded and was just going to take a moment to gather myself.  Then I looked down at my feet.  "Call an ambulance, call an ambulance now!" was the immediate reaction.  My foot was not facing the right way.  I could almost see the bottom of my foot.  After some quick discussion that , yes I have benefits that would cover the very expensive ambulance ride, 911 was called.  I'm not sure how long it took the paramedics to arrive but it really felt like forever.  The girls covered me in all the coolers and someone took care of my horse.

When the ambulance finally arrived they gave me laughing gas to splint my ankle.  They also put an IV in, which was difficult considering how cold and shaky I was.  Then with their help I stood on my good foot and got myself on the stretcher.  I told them there was no way they were lifting me if I could help it.  The trip in the ambulance involved me being incredibly high, and crying because they were going to have to cut my boots off.

In the ambulance, after being splinted

In the ER I was put in a trauma room with my own private nurse.  It's all slightly blurry but they put my under conscious sedation to cut off my boot and align my ankle.  Apparently they also did X-Rays while I was under because when I came to they told me they couldn't see any breaks in the x-rays and that was highly unlikely. So off to get a CT scan I went.

Turns out they were right, I basically obliterated my talus and ruptured my calcaneofibular ligament.  Surgery was booked for the next morning.

Just in case the cast doesn't make it obvious which one is broken..

 Prognosis was 12 weeks non-weight bearing.  I spent the first 5 weeks on my couch, but I live in the country, by myself and could not drive.  I was going out of my mind with boredom so I went back to work way too early (doctor figured June).  One of the guys in the office picked me up and dropped me off and i worked from home a few days a week.

At my 6 week check up my doctor informed me that I was going to be non-weight bearing for longer than the 12 weeks as it appeared I had broken the blood supply and it was taking it's sweet time healing.  Since I had the flight and hotel and tickets already paid for (for the past 6 months) I went to my first Rolex on crutches.  I can't wait to go again when I can actually get around and walk the cross country course!

After 16 weeks I was finally allowed to start walking (and driving) with the aid of a cane.  This also marked the start of 8 months of intensive physio.

I still struggle with my ankle.  It has minimal flexion, almost zero inversion (which makes picking up my stirrup nearly impossible) and I struggle with pain if I ride long distances or intense courses. But I can walk, and I can ride, both of which I am extremely grateful for.  I'm also incredibly grateful that I live in Canada and the only things I paid for were my ambulance ride and walking boot (which my benefits through work covered) and physio after the first 7 appointments.  Because I had countless X-Rays, 2 CT scans, 1 lung scan, and inter hospital ambulance transfer, surgery (with 2 internal screws and one broken K-wire left behind), 3 days in the hospital and 4 orthopedic follow ups.

Guilt As a Motivator

So my friend Shimmer-E posted on her blog after I mentioned she hadn't posted in forever and she used it as a platform to remind me that my own blog was woefully neglected.  So here goes nothing...

Lots has changed since I posted last.  New horse, new barn, new coach, new boy, new truck and if my meeting at the bank goes well new trailer!

First things first, I got what every little girl (and full-grown horse crazy woman) dreams of for Christmas 2013.  MY VERY OWN PONY!

Red Mare poses very well

She's a 2000 Canadian Warmblood and at 16.2 is perhaps a hair over the height limit for a pony. She has a name but I intensely dislike it so she goes by Mare, occasionally Red Mare and every once in a while she is referred to as the Red Bitch Mare.

I actually started riding her in Jan 2013 (at which point she was owned by my mother) and things were going very well until our second jumping lesson ended with me being carted out in an ambulance, followed by surgery to fix my destroyed ankle and 16 weeks non-weight bearing!  That is a story that deserves it's own post at some point.  The mare then went back to my mom's until Sept 2013.  Since then we have been back in action.  Having grown up with geldings I am slowly learning that red mares belong in a class of their own.

The past 8 months have been full of ups and downs with her but I firmly believe that she is making me a better rider.