Jessica Phoenix Day 2

Day 2:

Day 2 was set up with a bunch of stadium exercises, including everyone's favourite Circle of Death.

The Circle of Death actually went astonishingly well once it went up to jumps. As poles, we struggled with rhythm (shocking, I know). But when it comes time to jump Dee becomes more rideable.

The outside line was a vertical to an oxer to a vertical. It was set so that both were either a 4 or a 5. We practiced going through in both. It may not have always been pretty but I was successful in getting the 4 to a 4 and the 5 to a 5. I was feeling really nervous, despite the fences being set fairly small. I was pretty proud of how I rode the beginning, despite my nerves.

But my pony is cute and honest!

Then one of the girls in our group starting having major problems with her horse. He would buck and kick out and just kept getting worse. Jessica talked her through almost 10 minutes of schooling and then offered to get on him herself. While it was really interesting to watch her school the sassy beast and convince him that going forward was his only option, it was also a time drain. She rode for close to 20 minutes, meaning that over 1/2 hour of our 90 minute lesson was focused solely on one horse and one rider.


I did my best to keep Dee moving so she didn't get stiff but the arena was chilly and there was only so much I could do. The extended break also did not help my nerves. The longer we sat, the more nervous I got. Unfortunately I think that Jessica was feeling pretty poorly (she had a cold) and we didn't really get much out of the last few minutes of the lesson. It felt like the issues I was having were never really addressed and I was pretty disappointed at the end.

She's so excited to be jumping

It was a little frustrating that on the day where I could have used some more help, the circumstances seemed to pile up against me. On a positive note, I may have been feeling anxious, but I didn't have a panic attack and while I wasn't super effective as a rider, I also wasn't a complete passenger.

Anxiety... Bitch That She Is

As I've discussed before, I struggle with anxiety surrounding jumping. After I had my wreck, it got worse and worse until it developed into full-blown panic attacks.

I had multiple sessions with a psychologist (also a 3* eventer) this summer and I really noticed a difference. After my first session with her in July I was able to finish out my show season without any crippling anxiety.

I also take sporadic clinics with the good Dr. It's great to have a team that gets it.

I had planned to take the first part of our off-sesaon to focus strictly on dressage. And then I got offered one of the last spots in a Jessica Phoenix clinic. I couldn't turn that down! I started doing weekly jumping lessons again, in preperation for the clinic. The first two went well, ending with us bopping around a 3' course like NBD. For some reason the next one is where everything fell apart.

The course had some really challenging elements but was definitely within our abilities. The first time around the course was fine. And then the fences went up two holes (bringing the fences anywhere from 2'9"-3'3"), and it all fell apart. I struggled to cope with the meteoric rise in anxiety. I utilized all the tools that had allowed me to have such a wonderful summer.

It just wasn't enough. While I didn't have an actual panic attack, I did feel like one was building. I guess I did succeed in recognizing it, but I didn't feel like I could get past it. My instructor actually made me grab the neck strap with both hands and I was not allowed to let go. Thankfully Dee steers really well off my seat and legs and has a good understanding of neck reining. This really took most of the responsibility out of my hands and Dee carted me around like the Best Pony she is.

Its frustrating and demoralizing to have lesson like these ones. While I did end on a decent note, it wasn't fun, I didn't feel like I learned anything and more than anything it felt like a step back.

Then today my ballroom instructor posted this on Facebook.

So I guess I'll just Cha-Cha my way into the clinic this weekend. And schedule another appointment with the psychologist.

Always One More Time

I've been doing a lot of this...

Long slow straight distances

And more of this, on varied terrain...

Best Pony thinks water is great fun

And with company...

DogDog is fat and needs more exercise so she comes on our walks

We are up to 6 minutes of trot :)

We've been going for daily walks that last between 60 and 90 minutes.  This gives me plenty of time for introspection. I've been thinking alot about how much anxiety I have because of jumping. Frankly, I'm terrified on a regular basis. I rode my friend's Training level packer in a lesson over fences that were 2'6" - 2'9" and I spent a good portion of the lesson just trying to breathe through the anxiety. I knew that no matter what happened Martini would take care of me and yet I still struggled.

Before the red mare and my accident I had no concept of this kind of fear. Now it is a daily struggle. I have a safe and honest horse. I'm a good rider with a solid seat. Yet, cantering down to a 2'6" oxer can paralyze me with fear.

But I keep coming back to it. Eventing has a hold of my heart and no amount of misplaced anxiety seems to be loosening it's grip. So I keep saddling up and keep giving it a solid effort.  Some days are highs and some are lows but every day is still a step in the right direction.

Today I came across this post and it resonated with me so strongly I immediately had to write this post.

Always one more time has been my philospohy, Alexandra Franzen just gave me the right words to describe it.

When I get disheartened I will remind myself. I will softly repeat it every time I feel like giving up. I will recount is loudly every time I canter up to a XC fence that unnerves me.

Always one more time.